The Diner
NARRATOR
The story takes place at a peculiar 50’s styled diner. There are a few people looking at a table where a boy and a girl are sitting. There seems to be some sort of problem.
The Narrator leaves offstage, and the scene brightens up.
GIRL
Oh my god! He’s dying!
At this point, the scene freezes. All actors are to not move, and try not to seem as if there are any actions or words being taken place. Jon, the boy who was presumed dead, stands up slowly.
JON
Ouch… Where am I?
Death promptly appears. Hopefully through smoke or such. It doesn’t matter too much how.
DEATH
Ah, welcome sir. You are currently dead.
JON
Excuse me?
DEATH
You have just died. Congratulations!
JON
I’m… DEAD!? Wha.. how..
DEATH
Now, now. Dying isn’t all bad. I’m sure your loved ones will be fine. And it’s bad to argue with death. I am not very patient. Anyways! We should get down to business.
JON
Uh.. ok… Business?
DEATH
Yes, indeed sir! Now that you have died, we’ll need to make a note of your time of death, place of death, and (my personal favorite) CAUSE of death!
JON
Well… It was around 9:33 pm last time I had looked…
DEATH
Excellent! Where is this?
JON
The Regal Cat’s Retro 50’s diner.
DEATH
Ok… ok… annnnd…. How exactly did you die?
JON
Um... I.. don’t know.
DEATH looks at JON very seriously.
DEATH
EXCUSE ME?
JON
I don’t know how I died. Isn’t that your job?
DEATH
Hey! It’s hard work keeping track of all these ridiculous deaths! Especially when comparing things like “OH! I died in a diner” to “I was parachuting over New York and got skewered by the Eiffel Tower!”
JON
The Eiffel Tower?...
DEATH
Yeah. It’s happened.
JON
In New York?..
DEATH
You’d be suprised. ANYWAYS! Back to your pathetically boring death!
JON
Well I don’t know so can we just skip it?
DEATH
ABSOLUTELY NOT! I can’t let just everybody walk on without filing it first! I’d get rabid hamsters attached to my face for a week! Now try to remember, what was the last thing you did?...
JON
Well… I was eating for one. And my girlfriend was talking about getting a dog or something… and… it all blacked out from there I guess.
DEATH
Hm… have you washed your hands recently?
JON
What? Uh.. I don’t know. Why does it matter?
DEATH
You seem to do that a lot. Lots of people die from not washing their hands.
JON
Like who?
DEATH
Cooks! Or the people who eat their food, at least. Well, moving on! I’ll allow you a few moments of conscience to jog your memory.
JON
Ok but what should I be…
Jon is abruptly cut off as Death slaps him over the head
DEATH
GESCHUNTEIT!
Jon falls back into his seat and returns to his dead state. The actors may resume movement after DEATH is off the stage. After movement has resumed, one man starts to dial 911. His girlfriend is standing (and crying) concernedly. A man who was sitting with the other starts towards them.
DOCTOR
Now wait just a minute! Move aside! I’m a doctor!
The doctor examines Jon for a short while (slapping him around a bit), the exclaims,
DOCTOR
He’s died from internal causes!
GIRLFRIEND
*crying, and somewhat bitter.* How do you know that?!
DOCTOR
Well because I can’t figure it out from the outside, obviously.
Jon’s girlfriend stares in disbelief for a moment, then begins to weep harder.
DOCTORS FRIEND
Now hold on just a minute! Maybe we can start his heart back up!
The doctor, who was wearing glasses, takes them off dramatically. Everyone should look at the doctor.
DOCTOR
Oh my god! *pause* I’m completely blind without these! It’s probably why I wear them.
The doctor putting his glasses back on quickly. The girl resumes crying.
DOCTOR
Anyways! IT’S WORTH A SHOT! *pause* how do we do that?
Everyone stares at the doctors friend for a moment.
DOCTOR’S FRIEND
Does anyone have a defibrillator nearby?
The waiter should proceed out of the kitchen, look surprised and hopefully spill whatever he was carrying on someone nearby.
WAITER
*insert some absurd exclamation* Is he dead?!
DOCTOR
Quickly, young lad! A defibrillator!
WAITER
Hold on! We keep one in the kitchen!
The waiter should run out of the room, at which point everyone freezes once again and death enters the room. Jon should return to his conversation position with death.
DEATH
And?..
JON
Well.. I heard someone say I died from internal causes.
DEATH
*pause* and?...
JON
I don’t know. That’s all I heard.
DEATH
Do you have any idea how hard that is to file? You don’t, do you? That’s like saying “Hm.. shall I put him under ‘broken toe’ or ‘Brain Hemorrhaging’ ? HELP ME OUT A LITTLE!
JON
… People die from breaking their toes?
DEATH
Well it’s hard to keep your balance with a broken toe. People are apparently known to fall into large vats of sour cream and die because they couldn’t swim.
JON
Since when does that happen?
DEATH
Ever wonder why they call it ‘mystery meat’ in school?
JON looks disgusted
DEATH
I’m just kidding… *under his breath* sort of… ANYWAYS! Tell me something a little bit more useful.
JON
How am I supposed to-
DEATH hits Jon over the head again, returning him to where he was before.
DEATH
GESCHUNTEIT!
Back to the life situation… The waiter enters hurriedly with the defibrillator.
WAITER
Here it is!
DOCTOR
Thank god! Quickly, use it!
WAITER
WHAT!? I don’t know how to operate this thing!
DOCTOR
Dammit Jim, I’m not a doctor!
DOCTOR’S FRIEND
YES! Yes you are!
DOCTOR
Oh. ALRIGHT THEN!
The doctor then laughs maniacally and revives JON!
JON
I’m not dead yet!
GIRLFRIEND
Oh thank god!
DOCTOR
Are you okay sonny?
JON
Uh… *coughs a little* Yeah… What happened?
DOCTOR
Your heart stopped working for a moment, apparently.
JON
Apparently?
GIRLFRIEND
Let’s go home…
JON
Ok…
DOCTOR
Here, let me help you out
DOCTOR’S FRIEND
Careful!
The doctor, jon, and his girlfriend all leave offstage. Suddenly, a loud screech of car brakes is heard. The stage darkens and everyone else left leave the stage. Death enter from one side of the stage, while Jon, his girlfriend, and the doctor enter together from the other.
DEATH
SO! What was the cause of death?
JON, DOCTOR, GIRLFRIEND (simultaneously)
Car crash.
The stage, again, darkens and the Narrator Steps out.
NARRATOR
So. The real moral of our story is:…
ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS!
3 comments:
Wow. Love the story line, dont really get the german in it or why he is saying it. but over all very good and i love the way you put a funny twist on death.
WTF?!?! that was a great ending! that docter was a great character, and death was hilarious!
hahaha omg i loved it. I'm still pondering on the rabid hamsters but it was great. that was the best death character i have read of. great work!
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